Why Your Teenager Finds You Cringe: A Pediatrician Explains

Why do teenagers find their parents cringeworthy and embarrassing?

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Right around age 13, teenagers suddenly become disgusted and embarrassed by just about everything their parents do. Some parents find humor in suddenly becoming “cringe” in their children’s eyes, just as their own parents became uncool in theirs. Others parents feel hurt. But the relentless criticism from teens can become exhausting, and parents end up wondering why teenagers act this way.

This past week I found the best description I’ve yet seen in psychologist Lisa Damour’s article for the New York Times, in which she describes the way teenagers develop “an allergy to their parents” with a “sudden onset around age 13” and lasting for months or years. How parents respond to their teenagers during this time will make a big difference in how long their embarrassment lasts.

Teenagers Are Becoming Separate From Their Parents

In my own pediatric practice, I’ve often described teenagers to parents in terms of the toddler years. Toddlers have just been babes in arms and are now able to move around their environments by themselves. They want to master their world and become independent from their parents. This is when they start telling their parents, “I do it myself,” at first with behaviors and eventually in words.

But toddlers still need their parents intensely, which is why after boldly crossing a room, they glance back to make sure their parents are still there. When all that brave independence gets to be too much, toddlers suddenly need to be picked up and cuddled. Moments later, they squirm and insist on being put down to go off and seek independence again.

Teenagers are much the same way. Not only do they now need more physical space, teenagers are experiencing a biologically programmed need to form their own identities as a person separate from their parents. It’s exhausting and stressful for them.

This is when teenagers begin rejecting certain things their parents do or like. Most parents get that: kids have their own styles and trends and their parents’ stuff is now dated. But why does your style actively bother them so much? Damour explains this beautifully:

“You may think nothing of wearing dated athletic shoes, but if your teenager doesn’t agree with your choice of footwear he may, at least for a while, find it unbearable. Why should it matter to him what’s on your feet? Because his identity is still interwoven with yours; until he’s had time to establish his own look, your style can cramp his.”

Teenagers Are Embarrassed by Interests They Share With Parents

It makes sense that teenagers are embarrassed by the things about their parents they reject, but why are they so bent out of shape by the stuff they share with them? As Damour explains, it’s precisely because they share interests with their parents that teenagers are allergic to them. They have to find a way to incorporate those interests into their own identity, separately from their parents.

In one example, Damour tells the story of a teenager who used to enjoy running with his father, but suddenly refused. Instead, he took up running with his cross-country team friends as a way to make running his own.

How Parents Can Survive Teenage Embarrassment

How then do parents survive the years when nothing we do is right in our kids’ eyes? Damour has some suggestions, and I have a few of my own. Here are Damour’s:

Embrace your teen’s new allergy to you as a good sign of normal development. Either ignore their critiques or remind them that it’s okay to feel horrified by us but they must not be rude. Sometimes your teen’s self-consciousness is a chance to connect. Consider this story Damour tells:

“When I was growing up and a friend of mine’s allergy to his parents was at its absolute height, his mother would allow him to choose her outfit when they needed to attend school events together. Of course the case can be made against indulging adolescent hypersensitivities. But the case can also be made that eighth-grade orientation is already stressful enough. If wearing one sweater rather than another makes little difference to you, why not do what you can to ease your tween’s mind?”

How to Make it Easier for Your Teen

There are a few more strategies that go a long way in helping your teenager feel supported during this phase. And the more you make them feel supported, the easier it will be for your teenager to relax around you.

Take Your Teenager Seriously

Do you remember those commercials where the father sees a toddler asking for the keys to the car, in place of his young adult daughter? Parents’ perceptions often lag their children’s actual maturity. And just like when they were little and constantly asked, “Did you see me?” teenagers desperately want their parents to see the people they are becoming.

As a pediatrician, I connect with teens by taking what they say seriously. It’s amazing how they open up when you discuss their thoughts and ideas with them as you would with a peer. In my practice, I’ve observed that when parents talk with their teens this way, the pairs are at much greater ease with each other. In contrast, the parents who continue to talk down to their teens as they would younger children find their teenagers fractious and withdrawn.

Let Your Teenagers Educate You

Young teens are discovering their world and want to share their perspective. In their excitement, they can be know-it-alls who have a developmental need to reject their parents’ opinions.

Instead of getting defensive, let your teenager instruct you about the world. Welcome their thoughts and enjoy them, without worrying about if they are “correct” or not. The point is that they are thinking things through and practicing important skills. Rather than correcting them, try responses like, “tell me more about that,” or “I heard something different. What do you think?” And if you are really ready for a challenge, teach them how to think by asking them what someone who disagrees with them might say and why.

Use Humor

Nothing works better with adolescents than being in on the joke. I find that when I approach teens (both patients and my own kids) with a little twinkle in my eye and a sardonic comment about my own cringe-ness, they connect with me. Sometimes, we even joke together about their own teenage awkwardness and overreaction.

Give Teens Space Without Letting Them Go

It happened overnight with both my sons. One day they were popping by to talk with me throughout the day, the next they were up in their rooms with the door closed and I didn’t see them until dinner.

Even though you miss them, allow your teenager the space they crave, and give them permission to let you know when they need it. And require them to spend regularly scheduled time with you. My sons are required to spend time with me every day twice a day, once at dinner as a family and a half hour every evening one-on-one. We also occasionally go out for ice cream and talk one-on-one in the car.

You Won’t Always Be Embarrassing To Your Teenager

The quicker you respect your teenagers’ new sense of identity and give them the respect, space and independence they crave, the sooner their annoyance with you will calm down. By respecting their need to become separate from you, you make it easier for your teenager to want to connect with you.

And don’t forget that their brains are still growing. As Damour writes, “As they age, adolescents’ evolving cognitive capacities allow them to think beyond seeing their parents only as being like, or unlike, how they themselves want to be.”