So, Zoom and WhatsApp became our besties during the pandemic. Their use reduced slightly after the pandemic ended. Maybe more so for Zoom. For WhatsApp, it probably increased since we formed more WhatsApp groups during the pandemic and afterwards, we left the majority of them open. I have, though attended the super-secret course (not really) and found a few tips and tricks, but also, I have deciphered what some of the common WhatsApp messages really mean.
For the tips, if we want to read the message and not have the blue ticks, first don’t open the message. Instead, open airplane mode, open WhatsApp, read the message, come out of WhatsApp then deactivate airplane mode. There would be no blue tick and the person who sent the message would not know that you have read it.
To leave WhatsApp groups without anyone knowing, it is at present not possible. You can leave, though, with only the group admins knowing. For Android users (puke, puke, how can persons even resist being part of the sexy iPhone world?), tap and hold the group you want to leave, tap the three-dot icon on the top right corner of the screen, tap exit. You would receive a message that confirms only group admins will be told of your exit. For iPhone users, real people, swipe left on the group you want to leave. Tap on more, then click exit. Again, you will receive a message that only admins would be notified.
If this is too much trouble, most persons advise leaving the group at 4 o’clock in the morning when everyone is sleeping. Have a friend who is in the group then post a crap number of photos and videos. When people wake up, your small post saying “X has left the group” will be lost in between the mess of brighter electronic visuals.
Another way is to start inputting nonsense on the group page as if you are having problems with your phone. Then one day just leave. They would think your phone crashed and feel sorry for you and give you some space. Another idea a person had was to put plenty centipedes in the group and soon the admins will just kick you out, thus solving the exit conundrum.
For common WhatsApp messages, I went through an intense one-month training programme (nope, did not) to assist me in translating what some of the common WhatsApp messages really mean. There is a further advanced class which I still have to attend, but this is what I have got so far.
“Aye sorry, now woke up and checking messages”—this means the person saw the preview of the message and did not want to engage in the drama, so they left it there until a few hours had gone, which gave them time to figure out a proper response.
“Aye sorry, phone was on silent, did not see your message until now”—this means the person saw the preview of the message and wanted to not respond for at least half the day. Phone on silent gives the person a significant amount of presumed down time. With this excuse, they could afford to reply to a day message in the evening or night, and still have credibility.
“How are you going? Just checking in”—in this scenario, the person is doing a perfunctory reach-out or check-in, just to say they have checked in, so if there are complaints in the future, they could defend and say they are always reaching out. If they really wanted to check in, they would have called. This is just to tick the “pretend to check in” box.
“I will be there in 5 minutes”—are persons still believing when someone says this? If a guy says this or a girl says “I will be ready in 5 minutes”, they both mean the same. Expect another half an hour. Relax and take in a movie.
“I am not really mad at you”—if a woman says this, it is the same as a dentist saying you would not feel a thing. All lies, I am afraid. If she sends this WhatsApp, plan to go over to her place to grovel and beg. Things are not good.
“Awesome!”, “Excellent!”, “Beautiful”—these are now just platitudes, used for everything and everywhere. No matter how not cute that new boyfriend or girlfriend or newborn, there is no way on WhatsApp that a person can say “well..., he/she is allrriggggght”. It is much easier to have the inanity of the automatic “Awesome”. It makes everyone happy, and you can keep your inner voice to yourself.
The last comment about WhatsApp is probably to be careful about sending intimate pictures, incriminating comments, and voicemails. No matter how much the person says, “nah doh worry, this staying right here. I am super confidential”, it is hard to resist the lure of attracting the whirls of popcorn brains.
Popcorn brains describes how our attention jumps quickly from one thing to another. We become hooked on trying to multi-task, going from social media, virtual, electronic, causing a frenzy of activity. If someone can attract the attention of popcorn brains and make something go viral, it is the ultimate social media win. Keep your “awesome” intimate stuff to yourself. It is all too easy to share and forward.
—Dr Joanne F Paul is an emergency medicine lecturer with The UWI.
